-I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
-It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
-You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
-Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
-Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
-Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
-Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
-People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
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